Cultivating Self Compassion

I met someone I had known for a long time last night. She is bright and accomplished

professionally. She has good friends and meaningful work. Despite all these good qualities, she

began our conversation: “Well, self-hatred is alive and real for me.” It’s not surprising to note

that she also struggles mightily with depression. She is diligent in taking her medication. She

has a trauma history, but this is something we’ve worked on. She knows her story and can see

and appreciate her growth on good days. In our work together, we’ve noted on more than one

occasion that she has a harsh inner critic. We also know that simply having this awareness isn’t

doing much for her now. She knows the solution involves better self-care and kindness, but

now these solutions are elusive and hard to believe.

I gently inquire about her mindfulness practice. She tells me that she loves mindfulness, but

now all my client notices is that she is unloveable. I ask her if we could do a guided practice

together. She quips that she doesn’t like the loving-kindness stuff. I encourage her to try a

variation on the theme. She agrees and closes her eyes. I offer a modified loving-kindness

practice attributed to Dr. Whilloughby Britton.

I allow myself to be imperfect.

I allow myself to make mistakes.

I allow myself to be a learner in life

I forgive myself

May I be free.

We breathe slowly together and repeat these phrases. Her body posture softens, and tears

appear. She opens her eyes and smiles with relief, murmuring; “Thanks, I needed that.” She

then spontaneously begins to plan how she could take better care of herself during the

following week. The plan includes continuing this practice on her own—a small victory.

She is not alone here. We can all be too hard on ourselves at one time or another. Often, this

harshness becomes so ingrained we don’t even notice it. This harsh stance can lead to self-

defeating behavior; it deflates our mood and casts a dark shadow on our relationships with

ourselves and others. Regular, guided contemplative practices like those illustrated here can

help us soften our self-criticism. Scientific findings suggest that short, consistent, loving-

kindness training enhances our well-being, cultivates goodwill toward others, and increases our

empathy. It changes your brain! Feel free to use the phrasing here if you’ld like to try it. Tailor

the phrases to your current circumstances, and notice the changes you experience. If you find

this challenging, know that reaching out for support is essential to self-compassion. I’m here to help.